Starting a New Chapter

I wake up everyday believing I found the perfect person who I'll marry one day. I believed and trusted he loved me dearly. I gave my heart to him as a whole and promised to love him forevermore. I have never loved anyone like this.

Everyday I struggle with my life, with my job, peer pressure, friends and family and through all this he gave me strength to face every lil' bit of it. Step by step I learned to be strong and independent. I lived my life away from my family and friends and tried to move forward from all the pain from my past. I started fresh with a new environment. I wanted to get out of the world that gives me pain, away from everyone I knew. I decided to go to US and work over there. I struggled to find myself, to know what my limit was, and to know who I am. I have learned a lot about myself that I can live on my own, I didn't care about anyone else, I can do everything myself. So everyday was the same old day, hours, minutes, seconds, same old people that just passed by, I didn't consider anyone special. I didn't have any love to give for anyone else. I was so afraid I could love someone and hurt again. I never trusted anyone. I accepted the fact that no one ever cared for me, NO ONE can give PURE LOVE AND LOYALTY because I was NOBODY.

I do my best in everything I do, believing one day I will get the price I've always dreamed of but clearly no one appreciates. Nothing goes right, I am not God after all. I always thought that no matter how hard things can be I will get what I wanted because I worked hard for it. I didn't get anything. All I got was a paycheck and I was never happy. For everyday that I had, nothing seemed to go right. My life was out of control.

I met Thomas back in March 2009, where I worked at Seaworld. I had a boyfriend then but then I started to talk to Thomas more and started to feel an affection for him. I was away from my family for those 3 months and it was hard. I was judged by a lot of people because I had a boyfriend but still talked to Thomas. I couldn't stop so I broke up with my boyfriend. People were mean, they talked behind my back, all my friends hated me. Clearly no one understood. I was alone. I came back to Philippines, and tried to win my friends back. I talked to Thomas still but I decided to keep our friendship because everybody hated me and him. I decided to win back my boyfriend's heart and told Thomas to find someone else. I stopped talking to Thomas and started dating my boyfriend again but my heart felt for Thomas but I couldn't because I will lose everything I have, my reputation and my friends. So he had a girlfriend and when I found out I was devastated. Its like my world crashed but I had to keep it together. I started to talk to him and his girlfriend. I was jealous, I was hurt, I wanted to scream but I couldn't.

And so I let the year pass. I wanted to get away from everything. I wanted to prove the world I am not that person who they thought I was or I didn't care what they think of me. I went to US and I looked for that peace of mind. I had it for a lil' bit. I started to talk to Thomas after ignoring him for a year. We talked everyday and then decided to be a couple on January 19, 2011. It was hard everyday not seeing him and I only talked to him on skype or yahoo. And then he came down to visit me and surprised me on February 14. It was the best feeling in the world. Finally, someone loved me. And then he came back home to Texas and flew to Japan to work. He stayed there for almost 5 months. And then he quit his job so he can be with me on my birthday. On June 20th, I saw him again. Again, I felt so loved. So he had to go home again and go back to school. I decided to visit him in August. I went to Texas, met his family and met my friends again. I couldn't wait for that day where we don't have to be apart. My life was all about him.

On October, I quit my job and decided to find a job in Texas so I could be with him. Finally, all the waiting was over but on the day he was suppose to pick me up, his new job required him to go to Amsterdam for 3 months. I was offered an internship too but I had to go back to Philippines to get a visa. So my world crashed again. Again, it felt like it wasn't meant to be. He flew to Amsterdam and I flew back to Philippines.

I thought going back home, I would feel safe but I was so uneasy and I felt like something was wrong. I opened all Thomas' emails and googled his name. I found out about his other girlfriend but I had to wait before we could talk. He confirmed it and I couldn't believe it. I was so hurt I couldn't do anything but cry, get mad and blame myself. How could I be so stupid to believe everything we had was real? All his promises and efforts. I didn't know how to handle this kind of pain.

I want this pain to end but my heart can't take it. I want to start a new chapter of my life again. I don't know how to. All my dreams faded. My life fell apart and I hit the ground so hard I'm so broken. There was no pain I could never handle but today I couldn't handle anything. This was the first time I ever believed in LOVE and now all I ever believed in was fake. How could I start again, when every minute my heart's breaking...

I'm gonna go someplace where I could start again. I'm sorry if I couldn't show my face to my friends or anyone else. I am hoping one day everyone will understand me and feel my pain. I will see you all one day and I will be that Arianne whose strong and can put a brave face but now I'm just NOBODY.

Starting a blog for the very first time.

I have been really bored this day so I decided to make a blog of my own. I never really put much attention to doin blogs since I don't really open the computer but since I'm bored I thought of something I love doin which is writing about my everyday life. Sharing has been a big deal and I wanted to share my everyday life to everyone especially to the ones close to me.